Sincerely Sue,

BABY Bring you over to me. Love me. Do you know what i mean?  Love me. I can,  make you  love me,  forever. and always be there.  Be there for me  and never let go. Trust that,  your loyalty speaks to my soul Reach to the stars, my love, you know how I can bring you up. You don't know,  I can raise us up. be there for me and never let go. Let's reach there and be there.  BE UNSTOPPABLE!  I can,  and you can,  so lets reach it! Be there For me,  For us,  and never let go!

Lover Boy,  You were a great example of what a first boyfriend should be. Reminiscing about what happened between us, I have always wondered why you were the only one that never came back.  Maybe we were young and reckless.   Maybe it was because we understood that we needed to go our separate ways. However, you did show me one thing. You showed me how to love. Through our fallout, I never felt so helpless, and in the midst of it I knew that I was in love with you because it hurt. You were my first real love and that will always mean something to me. But you are the reason I know who I deserve. Everything you weren't and all the ways you hurt me showed me who I needed in my life. The impact you had in my life is incomparable but bittersweet and I will always thank you for the memories, the experience, and the love you gave. God will guide us to who we are supposed to be with but never forget that because of us, you and I are better. 

     Let me pretend I have readers. Readers that miss my blog posts. I've missed you guys. And after rewatching Gossip Girl, for the 4th time, I find myself inspired to keep blogging. Also, my brains storage is running low, so it's time I unload.       To start, I will inform you all that I am engaged and planning a wedding by February of next year. Who would've thought right? I recall mentioning names in regards to my love life but lets pretend I didn't. Let's follow up with the end of my last fling.       I was dedicated enough to focus on the journey of ME. Thus here I am taking the opportunity that has arisen due to my past decisions. I feel like the company I keep benefits the life goal I hope to achieve soon. It's like a calm ride that generally aids in the recollection of myself after so many messy years. Nevertheless, I cant help but crave an excitement that is nearly dangerous to the success I have planned out. I rely on Go...

       I feel like ultimately the breakup with Her happened because we couldn't talk about our fallout like adults. She hustled, bought a car and believed that it would solve our distance problem? I understood her 100%, but i'm not sure she understood me.   We could have fixed it... but she avoided the talk when I saw her. She also gave me rude vibes while because she was on the phone with some other friends. I say it without feeling an ounce of jealousy but in all honesty, we needed to talk about the issue and she completely disregarded it. She basically ignored me after inviting me out... Maybe, I may be wrong, but we hadn't spoken about anything in months and well, without that communication, there was no way to mend our friendship. After all we went through. I see the unresolved misunderstandings. I saw them then. If she was only capable of seeing my point of view. Unfortunately, her insecurities ruined what could have been salvaged. Who knows. ...

SHE COMES UNEXPECTEDLY, FULL OF RAGE, NOT CARING OF WHAT'S IN HER WAY;  GONE AS QUICKLY AS SHE APPEARED.  HER MIND FULL OF TRUTH AND JUSTICE. HER HEART HEAVY WITH PASSION.  A CHATEAU MARGAUX IN THE MIDST OF MERLOTS'. NONETHELESS VENGEFUL OF THE SAME ENTITY SHE SAW IN EVERYONE. ROTTEN, WORTHLESS SOULS INSIDE OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN DECENT BEINGS. FOR SOME, IT'S A BLESSING IN DISGUISE. GIVING THE LESSONS NECESSARY TO CARRY ON. TO OTHERS, KARMATIC, ALMOST.  BUT FEW REGRET THE DAY THEY ENCOUNTERED SUCH BEAUTIFUL DISASTER. RUING THE DAY THEY EVER LET HER PASS. BUT SHE WONDERS THE WORLD SOULLESSLY IN SEARCH OF A RECIPROCITY THAT SIMPLY DOES NOT EXIST IN A HUMAN BEING.  HER LIFE, ONCE PROSPEROUS AND HOPEFUL HAS TURNED DULL AND MEANINGLESS. LESSONS AFTER LESSONS, HER RAGE GREW WITH NO MERCY. SHE WAS THE ONLY MASTER SHE KNEW, THE ONLY ONE WHO WOULD SAVE HER FROM HERSELF AND GIVE HER SOUL THE LOVE IT DESIRES.

im in a weird place in my life, im growing but im not. if that makes any sense.  i struggle to find ME. who am i? The questions always asked. if its not in a seminar, its in my screen somewhere deep after the 100th scroll on Twitter.  I look for purpose. and as i know myself, e.g my comfort space, the environment necessary for me to continue this crucial growth exists somewhere deep inside my brain.  I look for it in men, in drinks, drugs, fake friendships, even in my success. Nothing seems to quench my thirst for inner peace.  I remember long ago, i felt comfort from you.  you showed me the love i needed to live with. That's what i crave. and i Know this. Only reaching towards you, breaking through this hardened shell i happen to strengthen with every lie, with every vile substance i put in my body. i find myself not having the strength within myself. i dont ask for strength because my desire for this human feeling sits strong in an untouchable spot...

Today feels harder to bear with more than any other day since April. I question the reason behind the constant memories running through my head. I lay awake all night, all morning just thinking about him. His smile, as if insults were never spat through his lips. His arms, as if he never laid a finger on me. His kisses; As if he never gave them to someone else. I question my value and self love due to the feelings attached to the thought of him. Still hoping to find the love I felt whenever he'd assure me that he'd never leave. I wonder through the possibilities of ever feeling that way towards someone else, when all my heart desires is for our reconciliation, his apology and regret showing I was indeed the love of his life. I wonder how I'd feel then. Knowing there were many in between. I torment my fragile mind at this very moment not knowing Gods plan for him and I. If there will ever be again... I know better. At least I thought I did. I push through the storm ...