My Purpose
im in a weird place in my life, im growing but im not. if that makes any sense.
i struggle to find ME. who am i? The questions always asked. if its not in a seminar, its in my screen somewhere deep after the 100th scroll on Twitter.
I look for purpose. and as i know myself, e.g my comfort space, the environment necessary for me to continue this crucial growth exists somewhere deep inside my brain.
I look for it in men, in drinks, drugs, fake friendships, even in my success. Nothing seems to quench my thirst for inner peace.
I remember long ago, i felt comfort from you.
you showed me the love i needed to live with. That's what i crave. and i Know this. Only reaching towards you, breaking through this hardened shell i happen to strengthen with every lie, with every vile substance i put in my body. i find myself not having the strength within myself.
i dont ask for strength because my desire for this human feeling sits strong in an untouchable spot that was once yours.
I hinder the path into you for pleasure.
i hate myself for knowing what's right and not pulling away. i hate myself for pushing myself away from the only thing that felt right in the world. I question how people ignore this within themselves and don't just fall to your feet. Guess my hearts not that gone after all. answers rush through, i see why im alone. i understand the trial present, i cant ask for anyone because i KNOW i need this. i need this to strengthen my soul. I NEED my soul to have peace. and that means to find you within my sinful ways, i am amazed at how you present yourself through the most complicated times,. i LOVE that i find this reassurance when i let myself feel something. because all this time, i didnt. i neglected myself and turned my hurt to rage. only then did i realize that nothing was going to prosper if i take life in such ways. the world is definitely NOT for me, for i feel a connection to something deeper than this. I feel as though you let a little rain drop of yourself fall deep within my heart. that was all i needed to grow the way i am. Guarding that tiny bit of you inside myself helps me understand this awful place you have put your children on. In the midst of dread, chaos, and unhappiness; i find you.